Like a Good Book

A few weeks ago we had a work party (it wasn't at work - it was at a colleague's house), and most of us who are under a certain age came, some brought their partners. I decided, since I wanted to drink, to grab a ride with Y (a guy I had a crush on up until some time ago) and M (who is a good friend of mine). On the way back I figured I'd have him drive me back or I'd grab a cab if it gets too late for me.

I did drink, a few glasses of wine, and I was nice and tipsy, but not in any way not coherent, just... Giggly. If you've ever seen me drink, you know how it looks.

Anyway. I was sitting on the sofa dozing a bit when M came and sat next to me, looked at me and said that N was leaving and if I wanted a ride home. I told her that no, I'll just grab a cab in a while. She asked me again and I replied, again, that I didn't want to go with him.

So she went and asked him herself.

Which drove me crazy.

I made one last attempt to not leave with him, but in the end, after all the joy was drained from the party for me, I went and grabbed my coat and had him drop me off at home.

I can't even begin to describe how unbelievably angry I was. The first and foremost reason was that I SPECIFICALLY told her what I didn't want to do. I wasn't even close to being really drunk, I was very coherent and very clear, and she disregarded me without a thought. It was like my opinion doesn't matter, or like I'm a five-year-old who can't make her own decisions. I also felt like she was brushing me off which felt horrible, and to top it off she sent me off with a driver I had no idea how good of a driver he is (trust me, with my knowledge now I will never choose to have him drive me anywhere).

And she doesn't get it. She doesn't seem to understand you don't grab someone else's autonomy and decision-making from their hands just because you seem to be under the notion you're making a good decision for them. Even if that were true (and it wasn't), you still don't get to make that decision.

I've been giving her the cold shoulder in the past few weeks, as well as to Y (in his case, it's more of a self-preservation thing - I'm detoxing him from my system, and since the mental distance is working as the process, I'm going along with it), and she made no attempt to even ask me or try and talk about it. This is from a person who used to say she loved me almost every fucking day, yes?

I'm sure they talked about it amongst themselves, and I have a feeling Y told her that I'm being impossible and that I need to find a way down from the tree I climbed up on, but, really? We've had a few arguments in the past, and if I made a mistake (even if I didn't believe I had), I apologized to her. Even if you think I'm being impossible, why, if you claim to love me so much, won't you ask me about it?

But this is, I believe the last straw - there were a few things she told me (mostly about how to "Change myself so I would attract more men") which lead me to believe she has no grasp of what a person's autonomy means.

I'm so angry and disappointed with her. So so much. I also fell like an outsider at work at times, which is shitty, since my boss got fired and we can now all celebrate together. I don't know if things will change, I don't believe I'll ever look at her or treat her same as before.

Even with the pain, I also understand now exactly who I'm dealing with, and i know I'll never be able to really trust her.

But. It. Hurts.

[And a side note - this whole story and yesterday's shopping spree with Shiri and Opher made me realize that even though I may be somewhat comfortable in the mainstream with people who are very conservative in thought, I don't belong there - I have a family who loves me and accepts me, who supports me and love me, truly, without hesitation or thought, and I know they will never try to change me against my will, and that is my home. Thank you guys, for being my un-blooded family. I can't express how much I love you - Hagar, Netalie, Shiri, Opher and Gilli]

Me [talking to my mom]: "So Thursday night is Tel Aviv's white night. I'm gonna go hang."
Her: "You're gonna go for a long time? I can come for some of the night with you."
Me: "Nah, you always bring me down and make faces about the whole thing. I'll just go alone."
Her: "I don't make faces! And I don't like you to go alone."
Me: "I'm 32, mom. I can go alone, and this way I can do what I want."
Her: "I really don't like you to go alone. What about Michali?"
Me: "She's pregnant, mom. Besides, I just want to go alone."

Michali called a while after and she told my mom she's going to White Night, so my mom shouts out to me "Hey! You can go together!"

And I was like what part of "want-to-go-alone-you-don't-get-to-make-this-choice-for-me" don't you fucking get?!?!?

And now I'm so fucking stuck with this hole she dug me into, and I'm fucking seething here and I know she had good intentions, but for the love of fuck, will you PLEASE stop treating me like a fucking five-year-old and realize this WASN'T YOUR FUCKING DECISION TO MAKE.

So yesterday morning I was still semi-fine, even though the cough has taken a turn for the worse, and I decided I didn't need the stink-eye from my boss, so I braved the weather, which was truly horrible, and went to work.

After being somewhat productive for a few hours, I finally realized that the headache, coughing and breathing difficulty were not going away, so I called it quits, and packed up to go home. The walk to the bus station was... interesting, since by then it was cold, windy and SUPER FUCKING DUSTY, but I made it and also made it home pretty fine. I did, however, crashed right on the sofa the moment I made it home, and didn't get up until my mom came back. By then I was positive I was running a fever, because I was shaking like hell and my fingernails were blue.

My mom made me something to eat and some tea and I drifted in and out of sleep for the entire afternoon on the sofa, with a different array of cats on different parts of me (Truffle really wanted to sit on my chest and she also cuddled next to me, and Dolce and Ginger both took turns on my legs and sometimes the sides of my feet). My fever went up and then down, so I was cold and hot on intervals. Super fun times, I can tell you that. I did watch some TV with my parents, and went to sleep. Fortunately, the cough is a bit subdued, so I was able to fall asleep quite quickly.

I woke up without a fever today but the headache is still here (no doubt due to the coughing, stuffy nose and weather), and food tasted bad, so I don't know. But I can sit upright, which must be an improvement.

*~*

Other things:

I haven't really written in a while, even though I've had plenty to write about. It was, what, two weeks ago H. and I went to the Idan Haviv concert? Which was great, but it marked the beginning of one of my busiest weekends EVER.

It was a beautiful Friday, that one after the concert (maybe I'll actually be able to post pictures from the concert today), but it was full to the brim - work, drive up to KY with H., photography session with her and the pup, and game night at Opher and Shiri's.

Saturday was packing H's apartment, and that was long, hard and tiring, and also included a drive up to her parents' at KY, unpacking and keeping the pup busy while her mom got everything out of the way and into the wardrobe. I only made it home on 22:00 that day, and the fatigue and exhaustion dragged with me for the better part of last week. I only shook it off in the weekend, when I was able to actually sleep.

I had a deal with myself to not leave the house last weekend, but obviously it didn't work. Met Netalie for brunch Friday morning, and we proceeded to walk around TA, and I drove to Visit H. that afternoon. I also managed to squeeze in a visit to my grandma and was planning on going to see a movie but the one I wanted to watch had no more tickets, so I passed. Saturday was mostly quiet, but we did go out to lunch at Brasserie.

This week was fine until yesterday. The cough was getting better and I went to do some serious shopping Tuesday. Sale season, so I got two pairs of shoes, three bras, four long-sleeved shirts and tons of cosmetics. The shirts and shoes were half off, but since my shoes are extremely expensive, I still payed an arm and a leg for them. The bras are always expensive, unfortunately.

I was lucky with the cosmetics, though. I ran into a salesperson (a guy!) who actually knew what he was doing. I knew I needed refills for at least three items, and I also got a night cream. He gave me tons of tips on usage, and when I got home and tried some, and thanked him silently. He also gave me loads of tiny stuff for travel, which is always fun.

I think I'll go see if there's anything fun to watch on TV, and if not try and be productive with easy things, like the photographs or even catching up on my own shows ("Banshee" really bummed me out last week, and I'm super behind on everything, from "Person of Interest" to "The Americans")

I've had a spread sheet to maintain all my TV shows for the past three years now, since it has become my go-to medium for the consumption of stories. I can see patterns there, as well.

Out of 20 TV shows I watch regularly, only two are comedies. Big Bang Theory is just a fun thing, and I've been watching it for years. It's still fun. Awkward really lost its footing this past season, but since it's renewed for a fifth and final season, I'll stick to it until the end.

I seem to have conservative taste in comedies - I really don't like the single camera comedies, even the good few, and the few newer comedies who make me laugh I don't have a connection strong enough to maintain a watching habit (2 Broke Girls fall under that category - I'll watch the occasional episode, but I don't really care).

I have three procedurals, Bones and Castle are the older two and Forever is the new one. Bones have long since jumped the shark, but it's still sweet (SWEETS, OH GOD, WHY DID THEY KILL YOU), and I pray it'll end this year. Castle, well, it did an annoying thing the beginning of this season, but it still has more life in it than Bones. If I still find it entertaining I keep watching, even if it takes a few days for me to watch. Forever is really nice,even though I don't really like the female detective (can't even remember her name, but I didn't like Kate in Castle in the beginning as well), but Henry is all fun and games, and Abe is awesome, and the fact that Abe looks like his dad and is actually his son is hilarious. Oh, and... Jo? Yeah, Jo, she actually wears SENSIBLE SHOES. I can't express how good that makes me feel to see a female detective without high heels (how the fuck do they run with those?). Oh, and her hair is also almost always tied in a ponytail. THANK YOU FOR A LITTLE BIT OF CREDIBILITY.

Person of Interest gets an entire category for itself. Procedural as it might be sometimes, it has become a. my favorite TV show, and b. an incredible serialized story based show. Who ever though a CBS show could be THAT GOOD?

Other cop and spy shows (in multitude of types) are Broadchurch, True Detective, Banshee, The Americans, Sherlock and to some extant, Sleepy Hollow.

Broadchurch and True Detective are the most "ordinary". Great shows, both of them, awesome writing, directing and acting, but they work in a well known fashion - one mystery, one season, work through secrets, horrible people, change suspect two or three times and solve the case. True Detective was amazing in what it did with its characters, and some scenes were unbelievably breathtaking. Broadchurch was nice, but I called the killer by the end of the first episode, and it was killing for the reason I feared.

The Americans is a wonderful show. It mixes spy stuff, 80's stuff, family stuff and an array of extras, and it WORKS WITH ALL OF THEM. It has some of the best characters I know on TV today, and the end of the second season was just as shocking as the writers intended . I did NOT see that coming. Shows that are able to surprise me get a place of honor, since it has become quite difficult over the years.

Sleepy Hollow is ridiculous. Really, it's ridiculous, and fun, and supernatural-y, and the end of the first season was not only shocking but also gut wrenching in a good way. It keeps being ridiculous, and Ichabod is the FUNNIEST THING IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY EVER, but it also builds layers and layers of meaning, and it deals, like the best of Dramas, in Human Emotions. One of the best TV shows of last year, and continues to be one of my favorites.

Banshee has so much sex and violence it sometimes seems mindless. I was extremely happy to find out otherwise. A show I've watched since day one, and one of the best character-driven shows on screen today, in my opinion. There are so many conflicting forces there, you could go on forever just trying to sort them out. It's fun, it's interesting, and what drives the character is believable. The action is less believable, but it can be super entertaining. I can't wait for the third season in January.

Sherlock is just Sherlock. I know this show has its very loud opposers, but I love it to bits. Sherlock, John and most recently Mary are incredible characters, so unbelievably well written and acted, and the relationships in this show are fucked up and layered and fun to watch. I'm Sherlocked, without a doubt.

Time periods are also a genre I love - Downton Abbey, Outlander, Masters of Sex. Downton Abbey and Masters of Sex are both quite similar in their premises, unless you count the fact that MoS is based on true people. Masters of Sex is very well written and performed in a surgical precision. Downton Abbey has tons of characters, tons of relationships and has been quite stable and un-amazing for while now. It's still fun, but it's not as innovative as it once was. Rumors has it it will end after its sixth season (it's currenty on its fifth), and I think it'll be wise to finish the story. Masters of Sex still has quite a lot of life in it, but then again, it's only just finished (brilliantly, I might add) its second season.

Outlander is so much fun and hotties I can't even talk about it without some cold water. Sure, it had a few annoying lashing scenes and almost-rape scenes... But still. JAMIE. OH GOD. Very nice recent addition to my addictions.

Stand alone dramas include Game of Thrones (duh), Orange is the new Black, Orphan Black and Rectify. Game of Thrones is a given, and I won't state my opinion on it, since it's so well known (but seriously, SO MUCH DEATH). Orange is the New Black is great, funny enough and moving enough, and has so many characters who cares if the main one is a bit unbearable?

Rectify is one of the best character studies out there, and is so subtle you need to watch is super carefully. It's one of the worst shows for binge-watching as well, since it's somewhat depressing (Uh, yeah, maybe not "somewhat". Think The Glass Jar). Very slow, very condensed, very heavy. If you want to dig, this is definitely the show for you.

As for Orphan Black, it's probably the best Sci-Fi action drama I'm currently watching, and one of the best of recent years. I'm sorry, but any show that can take one actress and have her play 8 different characters BRILLIANTLY, is awesome in my book.

I've also a waiting list for shows, which includes Fargo, Da-Vinci's Demons, Haven and H+, and a few shows I'm in the middle of (like Penny Dreadful and Transparent), but I think this is enough.

I've wanted to write this post for months now. Yey.

My parents are on holiday at the moment, and what my mom does around the house is devided to three people (Emma, who comes and feeds the downstairs cats), Udi and me of course.

Had a nasty period these past few days so I was somewhat unhelpful, but I woke up today feeling a lot better, so I already washed the floor (hey, only just smeared poop), made pancakes, fed the dogs, gave them their medicines (they get A LOT), yelled at Bisi about ten times (he won't fucking sit down for more than a second. He already ate his food, ate Bono's food, peed, pooped, drank water twice, and he just keeps on going.
Yes, old demented dogs are FUN. SUPER FUN). I also bolied eggs and made the marinade for my tofu. We'll probably make fried rice for lunch.

Ooh. Also - laundry.

I still really want to clean out the fridge, but I think I'll do that after Udi goes back to Be'er Sheva, sinhce he won't let me throw out most of the stuff. I think I can have a go at the bathroom, though.

I also need to clean out the kitty litter. JOY.

*~*

I was planning on writing quite a lot lately, but it seems it all just slips down and I just don;t have the energy.

For example, I wanted to declare I would try and read at least one new book a week since Rosh Hashana (haven't done that), and I also wanted to write about my TV shows (more on that later) and also about the crap that's going on with my mom and my grandma, but... Like I said, time just slips away.

As for work, things are quiet. I also had a talk with Asaf before the holiday, in which he basically told me that after Motty leaves, Ill be promoted to section head (could still be two years until then, but still). He also made it clear that in order to be bigger section head I'd have to start going out to do tests. I told him I can't at the moment, and that he'd have to bring someone to take some of my work, and he said we'd talk about it once Motty returns from his holiday. If things go well, I might be getting a semi-replacement in a few months. If I stay at the institute, that's the way I want things to go.

Mirit and I also started sewing class, which is super fun. We really needed this. We feel rejuvinated after each class.

So.

I'm gonna go and do the dishes, clean out some stuff and do the laundry, and enjoy my last day at home before going back to work tomorrow (still gonna be a short week of 6.5 hour days since it's Chol Hamo'ed).

At home. Sick. Again.

I think my immune system is deteriorating.

I truly TRULY hate the "Divergent" Trilogy ending.

Truly.

With a passion.

It doesn't work (well, it does, but it doesn't).

Nope.

Nope, nope, nope.

Fucking fuck of fucksland.

Like going to my sister's boyfriend's birthday party, where I don't like anyone, no one interests me and I can't sulk, and I actually made a cake for the occasion.

And my mom stopped me from putting bananas at the bottom of the cake (my sister hates bananas).

Yes, I know I'm behaving like a teenager, but gully, if my 34 year-old sister is allowed to, so am I.

Got the "Divergent" trilogy downloaded to my phone, so worst case scenario I'll just go read.

Gotta love the Kindle app.

Work was hard this week. My boss doesn't seem to understand that mocking people will not make him more popular at the branch, and that being cutesy afterword doesn't change what he said before. I told him before his mocking wasn't nice to hear, but he brushed it off, and it seems I'm speaking to the wall.

The culmination was on Thursday, when we were evacuating the lab (since it's due to start renovations on Sunday). Needless to say, it was completely last minute and we worked our asses off to get everything done in one day, instead of starting at the beginning of the week and, y'know, actually being able to move afterwords (have you ever tried to carry car jack? The big kind? Yeah, heavy and annoying). None of us was really thrilled to come to work on Friday, so we put our backs to it and managed to get everything done. During lunch we got take out, and sat, about 7 of us, in my room (which usually holds 5 workers and some stuff for testing and will now include another person, another desk and stuff to check. Can of Sardines), and Boris came back from being outside. The look on his face when he saw all of us there, and the extra mess and no-place-to-move was so funny I laughed out loud, and got yelled at for it (it was for maybe 5 seconds that I laughed). Michal said, and she's right, that Asaf is jealous of us being together, but I'm seriously fed up with reprimanding about being happy once in a while.

I feel like I work and work and work and all he sees are the little things that he thinks are crap. I'm not looking for constant pats on the back, but I would love to be able to do my job without being constantly interrupted with unimportant requests, without being the scapegoat for everything shitty that happens with my work, and without being so damn swamped that even with all the extra time I still can't everything done.

I hate getting the stink-eye when I leave when I am actually supposed to, the constant remarks about "working half a day" when I get to work at 7:00 and leave at 17:00, about the fact I always have to explain why I'm not working Fridays.

Fun times at work, yes it is.

Different stuff include my dad's birthday today (60!), which means he got a care package, and pancakes in the morning, and my mom is making a strawberry cake for him. I'm also scanning all kinds of photos of him to make him a presentation for his big party at the end of the month. I'll also have to write something down. I need to get started, because it's gonna take me AGES.

I also got some stuff from Strawberry.net, which I hope will be here soon, and I'm still waiting for some Kickstarter stuff and Erin's package, and I bought three really cool necklaces yesterday at the Dizengoff Center's Designer Boutique.

I really wish the weekend was longer. Then again, it's passover the week after this one.

At home, surrounded by mountains of used tissues.

Whether it's a minor flu or a major cold, this illness has screwed my week plans to hell, not to mention my job.

See, we have a quality assurance test next week, and I'm the quality manager in our branch. Since I also do about ten thousand other things all the time I usually push back this work, which causes gaps, which need to be closed... Right before the test. See the problem?

If this were any other time of the year I wouldn't have felt even the least bit annoyed by this illness, but would have just rode it out with the sick days my doctor prescribed, but now? Really, body?

I have a sense it was the last few months' stress streak that pushed me over the edge, and the ever-changing weather didn't help either.

Well, it doesn't matter. I'm at home, my boss is mad at me, I spent a few days without the ability to breathe properly, my throat still hurts (after five days!!!!) and I am coughing and blowing my nose like a professional cold-sicker.

At least Person of Interest was extra good today. Did I say extra? I meant ULTRA.

Really, Root and Shaw. Get a room.