tamara_russo: (No Fate)
I'm not happy with myself with this decision. I'm not, and yet I will go through with it because I still believe it's better than the alternative.

Decisions, for me, have been pretty easy throughout the years. Even if years later I thought I could have made a better decision I still saw the best parts of the paths I took. Staying with my class in high school, doing what I did in the army, university, keeping some friends and saying goodbye to others. All these decisions - I look back at them now and say "well, I could have done some better, I regret some. I know they gave me things that made me who I am today but my confidence wasn't real sometimes. It just gave me the strength to carry these decisions out".

And then there's the thing about my state of mind at the time of making these decisions. I was sure. I was confidant. I made these decisions not without care or thought, and yet I knew very quickly they were right.

And I don't feel like this now. I don't feel confidant or sure, but I still know the decision is right.

I might look back in ten years and say I made a huge mistake, but then, I think now I might have been able to do something different in the army. And yet, I still have the vulnerabilities I used to way back then, so it might be just the distance of the years, not to mention the fact I don't have to make that decision now.

I still don't understand this decision to its fullest. I still can't see exactly why I'm doing this. Maybe my full confidence in my gut is subsiding, I don't know.

I have to remember that for me, being confidant isn't equal to being right (in my mind's eye in ten years, that is). I'll have to walk this path to see where it takes me and see if I like it there.

Still. I'm going home. This isn't the life for me. I might be angry at myself here, but I'd rather be angry and doubtful than completely miserable.
tamara_russo: (home)
And not just. Daddy's girl, and brother and sister's girl, and aunt and uncle and cousins' girl, and best friend's girl, and other best friend's, and other friends' girl, and Tel Aviv girl, home girl, Israel girl, Hebrew girl, Girls' girl, clothes' girl.

At the beginning of the week I felt like this job isn't right for me but I couldn't tell why. I think I know now - I think I simply ignored everything I am, everything that defines me when I took this job. I was so happy and excited and I disregarded all the not-so-great things that came along with it, even though they nudged me even then. And that was what came back to bite me in the ass this week.

I don't belong in a kind of work that takes me away from everything I love, from everyone I love. I don't belong in a kind of work where I'm surrounded by men from all around the world who tell sexist jokes and announce that "You'll not go offshore with a pink suitcase", I don't belong in a line of work that has physical labor that I just can't handle (I'm just not strong enough).

Most of all, I don't belong in a kind of work that will mean I will be gone for the next few years, with very little time off.

[No, this isn't a rationalization, and I'm not ashamed of my decision - I needed to say this and I needed it to be written and organized]


The pink suitcase comment was half funny, half annoying. The commenter, Paul, deserves some slack for he was my mentor for the last few days and I can say he's really great.


A few political discussions, some talk of vegetarianism, spending a lunch trying to calm myself down from a baboon talking fucking nonsense (Israeli baboon), being in the room and having no one swear because of it (if they only knew), one car ride with a very drunk still, very sleeping, very snoring guy behind me, the fumes coming off of everybody's mouths today (I swear, stick a wick in their mouths and they'd burn for a week), too much sushi, too many train rides...

And thank god for my phone - I watched 5 TV shows on it, been super updated all the time and it gave me a whole lot of "passing the time".

That was my week. It wasn't all bad.


I called AS on Tuesday (AS was the one who hired me in M. Gold, the company I was at until August). He works at the Standard Institution now and I thought "well, it's a long shot, but maybe he needs someone", so I'm going to see him tomorrow and talk about options.

But even if it fails, I will be back on Monday to tell them I'm leaving. I'd be so much more relieved once I do that.

(I'm home free)
tamara_russo: (What am I supposed to do?)
I'm in Haifa and wanting so bad to go home. The past few days weren't good, and the thoughts in my head are spinning into places I didn't really think they would at this point.

Here's what's going on.

Middle of last week I got a call from HR Europe saying they won't have any work for me in the foreseeable future in drilling fluids in Israel so would I mind moving to Wireline? [wireline is the department the guys who were accepted with me are on].

So I said yes, and after getting better from the stress/sickness I got here on Saturday evening. I didn't know what wireline means, but I thought at least I'd have something to do.

And then on Saturday I was sitting in the train station and crying and crying and didn't get why.

The thing is, when I was accepted here I was really looking forward to this adventure. Going abroad, meeting new people, doing something which will give my career a big boost.

And all of a sudden I'm sitting in the train station and crying.

And maybe that's the biggest problem here, and all the other stuff is just excess justification, or maybe I just felt what is right before realizing the logical explanations.

I'm sitting here, wearing a (yet again) too big a coverall, feeling like this is so not my thing. I'm not the person to walk around in coveralls, I have a problem with lifting these big pieces of equipment (I still feel my back being not so nice about yesterday's work), I have a nasty boss, and, according to the Israeli guys here (who were the only two people who sat next to me in lunch and didn't have their heads stuck in their phones) I will get no actual engineering experience from this job. I'll be a well paid technician and a well paid labor worker (yeah, manual labor I can't really do) but that's it.

But this is not what's making me cry.

What's making me cry is the fact that I know that until I quit this job (be it at the end of this month or in five years) I will not be around the people I love, and that trumps out any fucking adventure.

So yes - I'm weak. I get away from home for a day and a half and I'm already a crying mess - but maybe that's just who I am.

Maybe I just care more about being in a loving environment more than I care about this career.

And, oh my god, I sound like a baby, but peeing in these coveralls is hell. And the Fridays aren't mine, I feel like I'm in the army. Seems like I haven't changed that much...

And I'm super cold in this fucking workshop.

It all comes down to the fact, that the longer I look at this the more it seems like this is not the kind of work environment I want.

More later.
tamara_russo: (x)
So I've no idea if it's because of the call yesterday about Haifa, but I came down with an annoying fit of stomach flu, and nausea isn't fun.

So I called the guys at Baker and said I won't be coming there today, and got re-scheduled for Saturday night.

I feel like in the army. Why the fuck.

Oh dear.

Jan. 8th, 2013 04:16 pm
tamara_russo: (x)
Going to Haifa tomorrow, until Friday, and will be going there again next week, Sunday through Friday...

Yes, it seems like they remembered me at last, but it's a "Zero to a Hundred in 3.6 seconds" kind of thing.

Oh, and they moved me to another product line, which basically means all the e-courses I did up until now are fucking useless (except the SPE courses).

I feel like I'm starting another new job tomorrow, and I didn't even apply for one.

tamara_russo: (bitch)
Had a very productive day. I went out to get my hair cut (looks all 20's now, love it to bits) and on the way back I dropped off my new pants at the seamstress for hem shortening (yes, more clothes... But those are the last few! I swear, oh mighty bank account! And I won't go back to Honigman for that GORGEOUS red coat...).

When I got home I went through my room for junk and hanged the laundry, got through one of the e-courses for work and I'm in the middle of (finally) organizing the pictures from Paris (even though I think I'm going to postpone the last bits for tomorrow, it's extremely annoying combining pictures from three different camera).

...and I think I'll go have dinner. I'm meeting Abigail tomorrow for a bit of shopping (for her! For her!), Thursday morning is reserved for Danielle and Friday morning I'm meeting Muna in TA.

Busy week (had breakfast with Lilach yesterday as well). Fun!

(And the best fun is not working and getting paid fully...)
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
Home again, for another week. Yes, my work pays me to stay at home and watch TV.

Don't tell anyone.
tamara_russo: (x)
Still no word about work.

tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
Home. There is nothing for me to do at the office, and my desk is needed, so I have the entire week to "work from home", which means doing nothing, because I have nothing to do from home.

Even though it makes me a wee bit nervous and annoyed, I have to say that staying at home on a day like today, with the rain and cold is really really nice.

Also, I'm going to try and spend no more money this month, because even though I spread my big buys on a few months my credit card has still gave me the stink eye, so hopefully I'l be able to hold it in my wallet for three weeks or so.
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
I have the longest shopping list ever, but I made a good dent in it yesterday.

After another worthless day at the office (more about that later) I dragged myself to Dizengof Center (thankfully the cramps were subsided enough to make it possible to be in my feet for a few hours). Made it to the mall by 16:30 and headed straight to the iDigital store for new headphones )

A long story short, I left with another pair after 30 minutes of tech inspections and phones browsing.

Took a turn around and went to the new area to see if I could find a pair of good work-out shoes (my pair is 6 years old and the soles are completely worn off) and got a pair in Adidas (and they're pink, to match my work out bag). The sales girl was lovely, and she thought I was 22, so all the more reason to like her... :)

Tried the computer store for a laptop bag, but those they had were as ugly as a Klingon, so I tried Soho and got a good one which may not be the most special, but is good enough to walk with (I still need another bag for my other stuff, but meh) and is elegant enough for my abroad trips, when they come.

I still need good work shoes and boots, not to mention bras, but I was out of strength and hands, so I took off.

All in all, good shopping trip.

As for work - well, I'm not going this week for the first general course. My "Career Manager" decided to postpone it. The reason he gave me was that I had nothing to do in Israel at the moment (no shit, Sherlock) so I need to see where I'm going to get my training done. Very annoying, and according to ER (project manager here in Herzlia) there might be the reason of money in there somewhere. I think he's right, since going to Houston for two weeks will be a good thing to do that's not in Israel...

The February course is still on, as far as I know, and I will really fight him if he'll want to postpone that one.

Which all comes down to that I still have no idea what I'm doing the next couple of weeks. I finished all the e-courses and, well, what I do most of the day is surfing...

Work, huh.

Nov. 20th, 2012 08:33 am
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
so I'm on the bus on my way to work and my phone rings. I take a look, it's my boss' number, and he says "You know, we got a lot of people coming in to the office today, there won't be enough room, do you mind working from home today?"

So I got off he bus and walked across to the other side of the road and made it back home after a trip in TA, and I'm bursting with plans of what to do with my day at home... :)
tamara_russo: (F is for Flight)
So I'm at work, not-working as hard as I can. No work for me in Haifa this week, so I've been coming to the Herzlia office every day doing almost nothing for 8 hours at a time.

Just so I'd be here.

I'll leave my opinion on that situation for your imagination, and since you all know me quite well, I'm sure you can articulate a phrase or two.


Spending a whole lot of time in front of the computer with no actual way to entertain myself (no music, no TV, no reading) I went over to my usual places, and to Wiki, and to Amazon, and from there to favorite authors and that's how I got to Meg Rosoff's blog.

If you don't know her and you're fond of (as she says it) "Unusual love stories" I would strongly recommend her books (the best are "How I Live Now" and "The Bride's Farewell"), but reading through her blog I came to realize her wonderful writing doesn't end in fiction. She's an excellent blogger, interesting, riveting, humorous and grave (well, that describes her books as well, so I guess it's not such a shock after all). She wrote about a book she contributed to - "Big Questions From Little People . . . Answered By Some Very Big People", where children sent questions and all kinds of people (professionals) answer them.

And the question she got was "Who is God?", and again, I'll leave it to you to articulate my opinion on that question (since I could write pages and pages about it, about how smart and un-smart it is, and how it generates more contradictions than anything else on earth, except perhaps referee decisions in soccer). The thing is, she wrote an amazing answer. And I wanted to share it. So here it is.

Who is God? )
tamara_russo: (Chocolate)
Of course the best person I'd meet here in Haifa would be a Druz.

And I get a great cup of coffee every morning.



Nov. 2nd, 2012 11:28 am
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
I just love it when TV shows go puck-puck-BOOM.

"Hunted" is very good. It's British, so don't expect any quick solutions, but that's the great part. Awesome characters, awesome kick assery (I'll never be tired of watching small cute girls beating the shit out of three guys twice her size) and the twisty plot is quite riveting. I strongly recommend.

In other news, I finished four books these past two weeks and I'm closing in on the fifth (Three Stephanie Plum novels, "The Perks of being a Wallflower" and "One night, Markovitz"). I've enough time on the bus and the service taxi to actually read.

Work is still a mess, but I've started taking things into my own hands a bit more and I've actually got some work done this week (e-courses).

And the weather is being nasty. White. The sky are supposed to be blue.

Got a party tonight and a party tomorrow night, and "DressCode" fair this afternoon. I don't think I'll buy something, I did get a dress, a shir and a jacket this week but I still like going.

And the end of the month is the Accessories market.

And December I'll be in Huston, it seems.

And February until April as well. I'll miss Purim, Passover and the Independence day, not to mention my mom's and cousin's birthdays.
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
So, still no computer at work, and also no password.

I'm going back to Haifa for a few days (I'll be back on Wednesday, I've a wedding and it doesn't seem to bother them I won't be there the entire week). I have a cab from home (!) tomorrow at 7:00, and the same hotel I had last week. I also know how to pack now, and will be bringing my old lab coat and just plain work-able-to-get-dirty pants so I won't need the coveralls (which are a pain).

I'm also pretty sure I'll have Thursday off, but that still remains to be confirmed.

I had a talk today with one of the guys and he mentioned there might be a solid ground (not offshore) drilling in the upcoming month here in Israel so they might send me to witness, but things are still very much not decided. It seems they're just trying to keep me busy until December, which is when I'll be going to Huston for the first course (and then Mud School in January!).

Yes, it's called something else on the forms(technical drilling fluids course yada yada yada) but they all refer to it as Mud School. I kinda like that.


Oct. 14th, 2012 11:59 am
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
I'm at Haifa at the moment, and will come home on Thursday. I spent an hour with an Irish dude who explained to me some things, but most of it is still quite overwhelming.

I'm gonna have to start swimming soon if I don't want to sink.
tamara_russo: (x)
I'm at home, and I doubt I'll be back at the office before Tuesday. They have nothing to let me do, and I don't have a password or user name that I know of yet, so I can't do a thing even at home.

This uncertainty kills me.
tamara_russo: (x)
There's a reason why I haven't written anything about that in a while. I haven't heard from anyone at Baker Hughes since I signed my contract. The people I knew where accepted with me have been writing for weeks about how they're going to Texas this week and I got no reply from my contact at BH, and I grew more and more agitated.

Finally, I did what I should have done weeks ago and contacted one of the women from their HR offices and got some answers, and I talked to the person who's supposed to show me around on Tuesday.

Only I got an email yesterday that he's in the hospital and to contact someone else.

...and none of them got any kind of information about me and has no idea what I'm supposed to do.

I just got off the phone with the other guy and we made to meet come Tuesday in the Herzlia offices.

And what if I'm supposed to go to Huston by the end of the week as well?

The fucking tension is killing me here. I've spent the last few days sleeping very badly because of all this mess, and I still have very few answers. I hope on Tuesday I'll be able to get some more, and that things will eventually clear up, but for now - I'm beyond nervous.
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
The past two weeks seem like they lasted much longer than two weeks. I'm having a really nice quiet time at home, getting up at much later hours than 5:20 (YES!) and going to sleep much later than 22:00. My normal rhythm won't last long before I'm going to have to go back to work, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as I can.

So - I already signed the contract, I'm starting on October 1st, still have no idea when the rig times will be, not to mention the training courses abroad.


(Listening to Maya Isacowitz playlist on youtube.)


Finished "Avatar - The Last Airbender" a week ago, also finished one of the book week books and I'm in the middle of another. The last "Artemis Fowl" is in my Kindle, also already read as well as "The Age of Miracles", which was Meh. I'm currently watching "Big Bang Theory" and laughing my ass off (Oh, Sheldon).


My mom and I have been cleaning the smallest bedroom in hopes to make it her studio for the jewelery making, as well as doing inventory (boring as hell, and what I'm currently ignoring of during my time on the computer). All of the school books, encyclopedias and trash has gone to be recycled. It was heavy, I tell you.


I'm dreaming again! I can actually remember my dreams because I wake up naturally and the sleep cycles aren't cut off when the dreams are still small and insignificant.

Last night I was walking through a labyrinth and ended up at the bottom of a huge canyon. It had incredibly tall white smooth stone walls and one of the most amazing places I've ever been in in my dreams. I saw two falcons circling above me and the were lowering their flight, ending up in their nest. When I looked down there was a dog or a cat dressed up like a clown or something (9gag seems to be the culprit there). When the falcons flew off I went to check the nest and instead of a falcon chick I found a kitty, and I figured the falcons must have lost their own chick and decided to adopt the clown cat/dog's baby.

The thing is, the falcons seemed so insignificant in comparison to the immense canyon. I can't even begin to describe how beautiful it was.

Anyway. Then I walked up some stairs and came up at the bottom of my old house and met some russian girl, which I didn't know. Here is the end of the first part of the dream.

...and then I'm a member of the special services, during a drill to mimic kidnapping the president. It seemed like a big place, and in front of me were white marble stairs which we had to climb in order to get to the president's office. He had people guarding him, of course, and it seemed like live fire was being issued, but I managed to get to the top and into the room.

In order to mimic his kidnapping we had to get his wedding ring, but he didn't want to give it to me so he just gave me some coins.

At which point I went back downstairs and discovered the russian girl from before was a russian spy.

And then I woke up.


Took me two days to finish this post. During that time I dreamed I was at the Baker Hughes training facility in Huston and saw somebody juggle and go crazy with a chainsaw.

Have I mentioned how much I love dreaming?


Also, we watched "Alegria" on Thursday and it was amazing - wonderful, talented acrobats on the trapez, on bungee cords, jumping and twisting in the air, not to mention the rubber girls and the gymnasts with the hoops and the guy who stood on his hands on tall wodden sticks. And the clowns. Oh, the lovely clowns.



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