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tamara_russoI had some sort of dispute with myself lat night, so I went to retrieve my diary from some years ago. After half an hour I found myself flipping through some of my old writings, laughing my ass off and crying alternately. I had no time for extensive reading so I brought my first real diary here to work with me. I've only just finished reading it.
It made me feel 17 again, 19 again - it has me finding Harry Potter, Tori Amos, finishing school, fighting with Efrat, having fun with Efrat, friends I don't talk to anymore, the horrid beginning of my military service, a change of language (I started writing in English so even if one of the women in my first office wanted to spy, they wouldn't understand. They were stupid and annoying).
I wrote about the Israeli situation, 9/11, the second Intifada. A huge amount of the pages has me bitching about dreadful days, pining to live inside fairy tales, enjoying weird stuff (like citrus blossom smell, Jasmin smell, winter, movies that make me feel high like Karate Kid.. You know, things that someone who doesn't have much in her life use to stay alive in hopes her life will happen one day).
There's a whole lot of writing about television - "Dawson's Creek" was my favorite show back then, and I had written in big bold letters the fact that a new season was starting here...
There is also a little bit of the time I thought I might be a lesbian, and some regression, and it comes back. By the end of this diary (19 years old) I thought I was straight, and I concluded that me thinking about my sexual orientation was just because I needed "Drama" in my diary. Today I think - As if I needed more drama... But my life seemed boring...
A few funny things: I hate Noa [a girl in my class I, well, hated] - I want to stick a pole in her cunt ('cause she already has one stuck inside her ass). Sorry for the (overly) descriptive image..."
"Efrat sees herself as Efrat! (in the house). I see myself as Tammy (in the corner)..."
"Writing in English reminds me of the dumb soldier who saw me with GoF [in English] and asked me if I was born in the U.S., as if I couldn't possibly read it and enjoy it if English wasn't my first language..."
"Am so fucken BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken TIRED and BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken ANGRY and BORED!!!"
"Bored, annoyed, angry, tired. That's what I am"
"Am going Bananas!!!
"Note to self - need to stop dreaming and get in touch with the real life (but dreaming is so much nicer...)"
"I'm pathetic"
"I'm just pathetic"
"God, you're pathetic"
"Yes!!! Thursday! Weekend!"
"The women here annoyed me by telling me to:
a. Blow my nose outside;
b. Don't touch their stuff in fear they'll catch my cold;
c. go to the clinic."
The last words I've written in the last page are "Goodbye, you've been a wonderful listener".
I was pathetic, huh? Well, thank god I'm over it now (...?).
I still have three more diaries to read. Will write about them when I do.
It made me feel 17 again, 19 again - it has me finding Harry Potter, Tori Amos, finishing school, fighting with Efrat, having fun with Efrat, friends I don't talk to anymore, the horrid beginning of my military service, a change of language (I started writing in English so even if one of the women in my first office wanted to spy, they wouldn't understand. They were stupid and annoying).
I wrote about the Israeli situation, 9/11, the second Intifada. A huge amount of the pages has me bitching about dreadful days, pining to live inside fairy tales, enjoying weird stuff (like citrus blossom smell, Jasmin smell, winter, movies that make me feel high like Karate Kid.. You know, things that someone who doesn't have much in her life use to stay alive in hopes her life will happen one day).
There's a whole lot of writing about television - "Dawson's Creek" was my favorite show back then, and I had written in big bold letters the fact that a new season was starting here...
There is also a little bit of the time I thought I might be a lesbian, and some regression, and it comes back. By the end of this diary (19 years old) I thought I was straight, and I concluded that me thinking about my sexual orientation was just because I needed "Drama" in my diary. Today I think - As if I needed more drama... But my life seemed boring...
A few funny things: I hate Noa [a girl in my class I, well, hated] - I want to stick a pole in her cunt ('cause she already has one stuck inside her ass). Sorry for the (overly) descriptive image..."
"Efrat sees herself as Efrat! (in the house). I see myself as Tammy (in the corner)..."
"Writing in English reminds me of the dumb soldier who saw me with GoF [in English] and asked me if I was born in the U.S., as if I couldn't possibly read it and enjoy it if English wasn't my first language..."
"Am so fucken BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken TIRED and BORED!!!"
"Am so fucken ANGRY and BORED!!!"
"Bored, annoyed, angry, tired. That's what I am"
"Am going Bananas!!!
"Note to self - need to stop dreaming and get in touch with the real life (but dreaming is so much nicer...)"
"I'm pathetic"
"I'm just pathetic"
"God, you're pathetic"
"Yes!!! Thursday! Weekend!"
"The women here annoyed me by telling me to:
a. Blow my nose outside;
b. Don't touch their stuff in fear they'll catch my cold;
c. go to the clinic."
The last words I've written in the last page are "Goodbye, you've been a wonderful listener".
I was pathetic, huh? Well, thank god I'm over it now (...?).
I still have three more diaries to read. Will write about them when I do.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-12 04:37 pm (UTC)This reminds me of my notebooks! I didn't have a diary, I just kept a bunch of notebooks beside my bed and grabbed one whenever I needed to let shit out.
I bet if I go over them now, most of them would look something like this: "I Am so fucken BORED!!!"
But also "I HATE MYSELF"
And "NOBODY LOVES ME"
(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-12 04:41 pm (UTC)So I was gonna write that as long as you didn't pity yourself like I did (And surprisingly, still do), your old-self doesn't seem very pathetic to me. Just young. =)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-02-13 09:22 am (UTC)