(no subject)

[tamara_russo]

Note to self - finger-painting on a 70*100 canvas is fun!



It's been a year since this post.

I've dreamed about her last night again, dreaming again we made up. Actually, it's not a question of making up, it would have been me folding to the pressure I feel inside, the voice that says "she's your best friend, what the fuck?!", and the times we had, and that feeling I'll never have that again, this complete loyalty, the first place, the ability to ask her anything, and still, still.

Still, the fights, and the drama, and listening to her guy talk, and her ignorance to a huge part of who I am, and she hated to hear me sing, and she hated Tori Amos, and made me feel small and not meaningfull, and her distregard for how I felt about so many things she did.

So much anger, and dissapointement, for her not understanding that I needed her to change with me, to accept me as an adult, that I didn't need to dress exactly as the fashion stated because low-cut jeans look like crap on me, and on her but I never told her that Her obsession with what people think, and I don't give a shit about what people say about me if I don't like them, and will she stop making me feel guilty for developing, and for socializing. Being offended by every little word I say, gosh, and the past, and the future of who I wanted us to be.

And nothing stayed, and I kept my mouth shut, and talked about her so much I'm boring myself even, and you guys much more, and still, again, I wanted more from my "best friend" and I ended up with no one to really answer this definition, even though I love so many people to death, but I still don't have anyone on my phone saying I'm sad and s/he'll come and get me somewhere else, and sometimes I'm fucking sick of driving and I want to drink and not having to drive or take a cab, and it's not even the point.

Deep breath.

Also, with no connection at all - had a trip in TA today - got to Nahlat Binyamin and bought a sweet pair earrings. Walked over to Neve Zedek (beautiful part of the city) but didn't do much. All in all, I mostly enjoyed the sun and fresh air, and by the time I got back home the maid was gone.

Good.

I think my paint is dry, so on to second lair.

Comments

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

The word is 'relationfriendship', by the way. Trust me - i've been there and done that repeatedly.

You know I will come get you if I can get my hands on a car, right? That if you'd call and wake me at 3 a.m. i'd first get out of bed and then ask what's up?

And that's why I arrange sleepover parties, hon. So that those of us who have to drive home later can drink to their heart's content - or breakage - during the night. Maybe it's time to set up another such party, if we can only agree on the guest list; or you can set up one for yourself.

(Also, genius, you linked to a private post. I think it's private, as i'm getting a "403 Forbidden" error notice.)

I know i'm even more bold in this comment than I usually am; forgive me. It comes from looking at your words and thinking it sounds exactly like me about - half a year ago, give or take?

I guess I ran out of wise words. You really need to get into a relationship or two or three - first time the scariest. And, well, i'm not going to say that it's worth the repeatedly broken heart; it's more like - you're going to get your heart broken anyway, might as well learn something you couldn't learn a different way while you're at it.

I guess i'm just trying to say that I love you. Toss our the rest if you wanna.

[tamara-russo.livejournal.com]

The thing is, you'd come, and Mel would come, and Neta li would come, and Helena and Lilach and everybody - but for a crisis, and if I'd ever call you on 3 a.m. it would be a crisis.

and the drinking driving thing is a symptom, not the desease.

About relationships - I got into JDate, I hope it'll bring something.

And I know you love me, I love you also, but it's been a year, and it seems like whenever I get a hold on things she jumps into my mind again.

I never expected her to leave my mind so soon, as well - we were together for 11 years. I just wish sometimes.

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

The first yearmark is when it only begins to heal. I've certainly been through the losing-best-friend gig enough times to know that. It seems the mind needs a time stamp to latch onto before it begins to put things behind and cover them with earth.

Y'know, JDate doesn't bring. It takes browsing profiles and sending winks and... Oh, i've seen enough people here do it for enough time. But still, JDate squee!

The drinking/driving thing is indeed a symptom (and hardly a positive one), but getting drunk in safe company does seem to release a considerable amount of destructive energy in a rather harmless way.

[tamara-russo.livejournal.com]

I know all about the JDate method, I've been taking looks around, and done all those things you suggested.

And about everything else, dunno. I guess time will tell.

[tamara-russo.livejournal.com]

Also - the link works finve for me, and it's not private, I have comments on it from several people.

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

You changed the filtering since then or something. Tried again, still 403.

[tamara-russo.livejournal.com]

I hope it works now.

[hagar-972.livejournal.com]

Yup. May I ask what was the problem?

[tamara-russo.livejournal.com]

It was custom lock that no longer existed... :)

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

I relate, as you know.
Not much to add, since we both kinda regurgitated this kind of talk, what, months ago.
Never the less, it doesn't stop praying on your mind, I know, so *snuggles*

PS no linky... I do believe it may be broken.

[tamara-russo.livejournal.com]

I tried to fix it, I hope it works now.

And I know I keep bringing it up, but, well, it's still on my mind a lot...

And *snuggles* back :)