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Clarifications
Nov. 23rd, 2005 04:56 pmI wish I were indifferent. It could have saved me a lot of troubles. But I'm not - I take things in a hard way and I give them too much weight. I have been like this ever since my childhood - I was the laughing stock of my class because I was fun to irritate. I get angry easily and I get emotional very quickly. I used to go home crying a lot of times during my school years and I loved leaving those years behind me. This is one reason why I have a problem trusting people - there are very few people whom I call friends, and that's because eliminate people very quickly - one strike and you're out. But people who have earned my trust get much more length than that. My best friend Efrat and I have fought more times than I can count, and we have had some big fights - ones that almost ended our friendship. However, we are still friends, after almost ten years, and she is one of the few people on this planet whom I trust with no hesitation (even though I don't show it all the time).
There was only one case in which I disconnected a friendship and connected it again. A friend of mine from the army, who is dating my cousin. We fought at one point, but she was still dating my cousin, and since I didn't want to lose him I ended the fight with a truce. We haven't gone back to the way we were, but we talk and laugh, and can have fun together. Only I don't trust her as my friend anymore and she feels the same for me. Some things just cannot be over-seen.
I get hurt easily, but i usually get over it pretty quickly, with a bit of fuming and a lot of Tori Amos. There are somethings who are just too much - there is only some amount I can take (and no one can tell me what amount that is!). When I reach that point I stop talking to people, even if they are good friend of mine, and they know my line is crossed. After that, I need an apology, and I usually get it - I get hurt like that only when someone was mean to me. I don't understand meanness, I don't get what's fun about hurting someone else. I do get being snappish (happens to everyone who has a bad day), I do get being sarcastic and teasing between friends, but more than that I can't take. I promised myself a long time ago that I will never be the laughing stock of a person ever again, even if I like that person.
I am a big girl, I can take care of myself, I decide how I want to live my life. I get a lot of advice, and a lot of critic, which I take to my attention very seriously, unless I feel it's over the line. Also, I do things my way, and it would take a lot for a person to tell me I do things the wrong way. Most of what I do is right for me (as all people have their ways, so do I), and what I do wrong I am aware of, so no one needs to direct my attention to it. All other differences come from my personal feelings and ways, and no one can change them or has the right to tell me I'm wrong.
I don't try to change people, and I don't want people to try and change me. I welcome the little oddities that make each and every person an individual, but I think there is a lot of place for considiration and minding each other's feelings and sensitivity. Somethings I wouldn't find something offensive, and someone else would. I always try to keep in mind that my point of view is not the only one - the number of opinions is as the number of people. I f I have offended someone and I know it, I apologize. I expact the same kind of respect from those people whom I love and value. That's all, and I don't think it's a lot to ask for.
