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tamara_russoI haven't read anything new in ages. The last book I've read who was a completely new story was "To the End of the Land" (Hebrew - "אישה בורחת מבשורה"), but that was different, I think. That book had such pull on me that I couldn't stop in the middle of it. But besides this - nothing. For months and months. I spent the last few years of my life being hungry for new stories, and now - completely dry, and I've known that for some time now.
I have been reading, just my old books, those that I knew I love, those who made me feel comfortable. I also read them with my heart and not my mind (I should explain, for those of you who doesn't know, that I read everything a few times, not just once, and I always get something extra in those times after the first, but for that I must be aware of that - if I'm reading just for the sake of reading and being emotionally attached I gain almost nothing more from the books). So, for quite some time I had nothing new to ponder at. God, I even didn't start new TV shows I didn't know from before.
The way I saw it, the pressure at school (which turned out to be much more difficult than I've anticipated) and at work made me feel so exhausted that all I wanted was to rest, not to begin anything that will make me think more than I needed to, to get interested in new characters, new plots.
I think now, maybe it wasn't just school and work. The group braking up ("falling to pieces" would be a better term), me being stuck smack in the middle (on my own choice, mind you, but still), it made me tired more than any kind of pressure at school and at work could make me. I've had busy times at school before, so, maybe, this had some other, more profound base. It doesn't matter, things haven't gotten better on that degree (only thing is that everything's quiet now, no more fighting), and it made me feel like crap.
So, that fatigue made me quit new things, made me go back to those things I've long loved, and were safe, and I couldn't find myself getting started again.
I hate to admit it, but it was "Supernatural" who got me over this leverage. For two weeks I was wrapped inside it so tight and in the end of that fortnight I got thinking, and made some depressed posts, and it drove me into a reverie, and then...
Book week books started looking over at me and I picked one up, and then another, and another. And "Sense and Sensibility", finally finished today. Three books in less than a week. True, they weren't very long, but it's that hunger that came back, that I've missed for so long. And not only books - fanfiction. I never read fanfiction, but now I got into such a whirlpool I just wanted to read them (I probably should not have started with those particular stories I've read, but addiction claimed me before I could resist it's pull).
It's a wonderfull feeling to feel this hunger again. I can't tell you how much. So now there's also "Mr God, This is Anna" next to me, and I'm going to get it finished quickly and it'll be one of my all-time favorits, I can just tell, and this one is thanks to Hagar (like many others, and "Supernatural" as well).
I had never drowned (for real), but I believe oxygen deprevision feels much like what I felt for the last few months. It feels so good to be breathing again.
I have been reading, just my old books, those that I knew I love, those who made me feel comfortable. I also read them with my heart and not my mind (I should explain, for those of you who doesn't know, that I read everything a few times, not just once, and I always get something extra in those times after the first, but for that I must be aware of that - if I'm reading just for the sake of reading and being emotionally attached I gain almost nothing more from the books). So, for quite some time I had nothing new to ponder at. God, I even didn't start new TV shows I didn't know from before.
The way I saw it, the pressure at school (which turned out to be much more difficult than I've anticipated) and at work made me feel so exhausted that all I wanted was to rest, not to begin anything that will make me think more than I needed to, to get interested in new characters, new plots.
I think now, maybe it wasn't just school and work. The group braking up ("falling to pieces" would be a better term), me being stuck smack in the middle (on my own choice, mind you, but still), it made me tired more than any kind of pressure at school and at work could make me. I've had busy times at school before, so, maybe, this had some other, more profound base. It doesn't matter, things haven't gotten better on that degree (only thing is that everything's quiet now, no more fighting), and it made me feel like crap.
So, that fatigue made me quit new things, made me go back to those things I've long loved, and were safe, and I couldn't find myself getting started again.
I hate to admit it, but it was "Supernatural" who got me over this leverage. For two weeks I was wrapped inside it so tight and in the end of that fortnight I got thinking, and made some depressed posts, and it drove me into a reverie, and then...
Book week books started looking over at me and I picked one up, and then another, and another. And "Sense and Sensibility", finally finished today. Three books in less than a week. True, they weren't very long, but it's that hunger that came back, that I've missed for so long. And not only books - fanfiction. I never read fanfiction, but now I got into such a whirlpool I just wanted to read them (I probably should not have started with those particular stories I've read, but addiction claimed me before I could resist it's pull).
It's a wonderfull feeling to feel this hunger again. I can't tell you how much. So now there's also "Mr God, This is Anna" next to me, and I'm going to get it finished quickly and it'll be one of my all-time favorits, I can just tell, and this one is thanks to Hagar (like many others, and "Supernatural" as well).
I had never drowned (for real), but I believe oxygen deprevision feels much like what I felt for the last few months. It feels so good to be breathing again.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-20 05:10 pm (UTC)...lots of the messes were thanks to me too, y'know. Good to know I was there for the cleanup also.
Anna is fantastic. Anna and Ender, put those two together and you've got my philosophical basis.
Supernatural is fucking depressing. It's a steps thing - pulling oneself out of depression (and, well, not having an interest you usually do qualifies) by something too much into sunshine land just doesn't work. Need to start somewhere and, well.
...but the gremlins story was funny. At least I didn't reference you to anything dark or explicit!
But, well. It's sort of a one-year mark, this weekend. Couldn't have expected it to go easy, and it's a good time to start breathing again.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-20 05:22 pm (UTC)You're right. It's not easy. I guess we'll get there in the end.
BTW - I got to "explicit" in no time. As in, ten minutes after the hellhounds story.
And I so love you too.
So long for "socially awkward"... :)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-20 05:51 pm (UTC)Like, a lot.
A bunch of lots.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-20 06:09 pm (UTC)Bitch!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-20 06:42 pm (UTC)Jerk!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-20 06:43 pm (UTC)That was not proper English. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-20 06:59 pm (UTC)Don't read "Battering Ram", it will break your heart.
ETA: and if you don't mind all-out NC-17, try these. Do yourself a favour and stay clear of the suite!verse by the same author, it's one of those freaky post-apocaliptic Sam-gone-demon stories I mentioned.