tamara_russo: (x)
The past few weeks have been troubled. My work status is bothering me to no end, the pressure, my decision to try and find something else, the realization I don't know what that "something else" actually means, and than my dad's birthday party on Tuesday, to which I need to make a nice presentation.

And then "Divergent" hit.

And again, in a time of troubled thought and change, like five years ago (oh god), I submege myself in a story which slithers through me, and I thought "Well, stories come when you need them, and the change that comes with them helps", but what if it's just a defense mechanism? Just something to run to, because I don't want to deal, or.

Or something to let my mind the time it needs to, do, what? Heal? Decide?

(I won't use the "What am I supposed to do" icon. Not yet, which says I'm still better than the worst).
tamara_russo: (No Fate)
I'm not happy with myself with this decision. I'm not, and yet I will go through with it because I still believe it's better than the alternative.

Decisions, for me, have been pretty easy throughout the years. Even if years later I thought I could have made a better decision I still saw the best parts of the paths I took. Staying with my class in high school, doing what I did in the army, university, keeping some friends and saying goodbye to others. All these decisions - I look back at them now and say "well, I could have done some better, I regret some. I know they gave me things that made me who I am today but my confidence wasn't real sometimes. It just gave me the strength to carry these decisions out".

And then there's the thing about my state of mind at the time of making these decisions. I was sure. I was confidant. I made these decisions not without care or thought, and yet I knew very quickly they were right.

And I don't feel like this now. I don't feel confidant or sure, but I still know the decision is right.

I might look back in ten years and say I made a huge mistake, but then, I think now I might have been able to do something different in the army. And yet, I still have the vulnerabilities I used to way back then, so it might be just the distance of the years, not to mention the fact I don't have to make that decision now.

I still don't understand this decision to its fullest. I still can't see exactly why I'm doing this. Maybe my full confidence in my gut is subsiding, I don't know.

I have to remember that for me, being confidant isn't equal to being right (in my mind's eye in ten years, that is). I'll have to walk this path to see where it takes me and see if I like it there.

Still. I'm going home. This isn't the life for me. I might be angry at myself here, but I'd rather be angry and doubtful than completely miserable.
tamara_russo: (F is for Flight)
Two rounds at the Accessories Market resulted in:

* Two bags, from "Clemantina". One of which I've been drooling over for some time now - turquoise - and the other is small evening one in black (as weird as it seems, I haven't one in black - I like color too much). She also threw in a small make up case with the purchase, which makes her extra awesome.

I've a thing for Israeli designers - not only the designs are good to great at most cases, but the quality of the things is that much better than the stuff made in China (like most of the stuff found in big chain stores) and you can find anything that fits - for me it also means great bags not made out of leather. I can't even begin to describe how frustrating it can be trying to find a good bag not made out of leather outside this country, unless you go straight for the Kipling-Mandarina Duck-Stella McCartney trio, and those can be pricey as hell.

[I saw a wonderful bag by SM when I was in New York, but it was before the time I could afford one...Well, I don't know if I can afford one now... *check* Nope, not yet.]

I've known the designer for some time now, but it's the first time I've bought something for myself - Both Netalie and Danielle got bags from her. Which also made the buy extra fun.

* Pair of earrings made out of some plastic strip rolled into itself, from the same designer I bought my groovy necklace from last time (the earrings match, but the two put together are too much, so I'll either go with one or the other).

Again, I really like the designer, and we spent some time talking both last time and this one, and her designs are special, not just pretty, and the fit me perfectly (I get a ton of compliments with her necklace). Who other than an Israeli designer would roll plastic strips into jewelery, I ask you?

* Small hair comb with flowers on it. This one was just plain sweet. I don't have any hair ornaments, but this one was just sweet and it looked great.

* A gold and basalt necklace, which was the most expensive of the lot but it's gorgeous and delicate, and fits right into my skin tone and will work well with all my necklines for work (and for the elegant type of evens).

It's been 5 years, I think, since the Market started. I've been going from the very beginning, and part of the fun for me (and my mom, who goes with me almost every time) is talking to the designers - some of them already know us well. I always go at least twice, having so many people to go with, and I always seem to manage buying great stuff.

Until the next time.
tamara_russo: (dust/dark)
In the end, I always go back to a diary. I mean, really, I have around ten of them, not including the "special" trips I wrote in some other notebooks, the oldest goes back to the age of 7 or 8. They're not consistent (even before LJ came along I had long periods of not writing) but I think that around four or five years (age 17 to age 22) are documented quite well. I don't write about things that happen much, I almost only rant to it (not to mention write some of the most embarrassing things a person can write), but some important milestones are there.

I also took to the habit of reading through them and writing down remarks (something I took from Anne Frank's diary), so I have entries with three or four different additions, stamping from a few months after the original entry was made to some ten years after. Some things have really changed. Some are so much the same it's fucking scary, to tell you the truth (including one very important aspect of my life I only a few days ago was able to put into words).

Here's to the page and pen (and one in pencil, also quoting Anne Frank).

Also, this is beautiful.

tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
This reminds me of 9 hours on June 20th, 2007.... Enjoy.

tamara_russo: (x)
I've been spending some time with my old journals these past few days (both on paper and digital journals). My oldest consecutive one is from when I was 17 (I've been writing longer, but the first and second journals have entries from when I was 8 until I was 15 very sporadically), and after this one i have about 5 or six. The most documented times are the end of my high school and my military service, and then it grows thinner (mostly due to my LJ and later DW), but i still have a lot written down.

I also make comments on my entries, sometimes years after, sometimes a few comments per entry. Amazing how my perspective has changed throughout these last 12 years, and how some things are completely the same.

The last one is from a few months after the Oren incident (yes, I'll have to create a tag for him, it seems, just not now), and I can see incredibly clearly the pain I was in. The worst part is that it's not completely gone, but I guess that's not uncommon.

How does that saying goes? "The Memory of Happiness isn't Happiness. The Memory of Sadness is Sadness".
tamara_russo: (Default)
This morning I woke up remembering it was a Friday, and all of a sudden was thrown back in time some a year and a half ago - when it was a Friday and I was waking up after a week at school and I had a day off, and I had an episode of "Supernatural" waiting for me. So I started the download and went to make myself some breakfast, and when I returned the episode was ready and I was engulfed by that story.

And here I am, not watching that series anymore, and with a head so full of worries that I can't really enjoy this Friday.

But I made a cake, with pares cooked in white wine and spices, and the smell makes me just a little bit better.

These worries, they just won't go away yet, not until I wrap up this fucking degree.

Anyway.

I've been a good girl when it comes to books - some five or six (mostly new) books read in the past two-three weeks. I took a break from "Children of Dune" (which will be my last "Dune" book, I think - I have enough craziness in my life, and it's not even the right kind of crazy) to get through "Beautiful Creatures", which turned out to be the first of a series. Seriously, people - why? You have a good idea, make a book out of it, it doesn't have to last three, four, ten books. I mean, each and evey "Young Adult Fantasy" book I've read lately turned out to be the first of a series. The book itself was really good, but no real ending, so I hunted down the fact that there were more. Time for my amazon account to make an appearance...

My sister's birthday party tomorrow - for the family, no friends. I don't think she'll throw one this year, with everything that has happened (and the fact that she's now dating a guy with three children of his own who dumped her twice already). God only knows where this whole thing will end.

One good thing though - T.V. Shows started coming back, and will be almost completely in full mode by the end of September (with the sole exception of "Bones".) Also, the "True Blood" season finale was one big bloodbath (spoilers) )

That is that.
tamara_russo: (No Fate)
After half an hour of singing I remember Hagar walking quietly behind me to not stop me from singing, and the smile she had on when I sang "Better Things" as the last song of our last photo-shoot came on.

and then, those times Efrat switched off Tori's CD I put on because she hated to hear me sing. And said so. All the time.

The clothes. Always - she hated the way I dressed. And behaved. She acted as if I couldn't be a part of the "real world" if I didn't get along with her other friends.

I keep having these little flashes of memories, and I think about these times. How, with everything that happened, still, it's better than it was.
tamara_russo: (home)
Going over old posts for a project made me find some posts from before the war of me and [personal profile] hagar_972. That wasn't easy. The difference is astounding, and well, doing that after the week I had was even more heartbreaking.

Like she said on Thursday - "we both have our weird traumas - your trauma is having people breaking up your family".

Work now, seeing that if I carry on this digging I'm going to start crying and won't be able to stop.

De

Sep. 21st, 2010 03:06 pm
tamara_russo: (bitch)
Defriended Hadas.

Got defriended back.

I'm... Not sorry. Not sad, either. It was only the infestation of something that came to terms some time ago.

Made me think, though. Made me think of Hagar and Mel. I've already written about this, but it's not going away any time soon.

I didn't see it coming, then. I had no idea that it was the end, and what it would do to us. To me. I didn't think I'd have to have two separate b-day parties because some of my friends won't talk to, or won't stay in the same room with, my best friend.

I had no idea I'd have to defend my best friend in front of my other friends.

I had no idea that bringing up something I did the day before would cause awkward silences, and even though everyone says they'll be "fine" with whomever the shit it is to come, it's not.

And it never will be.

I grew to live with it. It's a part of my way of thinking, now. "I'm spending the day with Mel, can't talk to Hagar to meet us for lunch" and stuff like that.

I've been reading "In Four Eyes" for the past couple of days. Saturday night, Hagar and I sat at my living room, the TV on music and we were both reading, and the mental silence was great, and I thought about how we said we would live together, and how Mel and I said the same thing sometimes, and it just won't work.

It's strange. I can't call this thing I'm feeling "pain". I can't name it, anymore. i look at my life, since I met Hagar at that class (plant physio?) and that day in Passover 2005 at Nurit's old house, and then the race of people that came and went, Roy and Varda and Sofi, and then, with the littlest of strings that were left attached - Asaf.

And Hadas.

It's not the same. I only knew Hadas for a few months, not even a year, I think. My family doesn't realize where she went and why I'm not speaking to her anymore (my family not understanding a lot of things about my friends has already caused me some trouble, especially with the whole Efrat thing), and, this... Breaking and remaking some things, just...

I think I'm angry.

There's been so much talk over the past three years about hurt, and betrayal, and pain and trauma, but I am angry.

Yes, of course. "Hope on Fire" - "Something's bending to break/It's just a matter of when".

There's.... There's more to it than that.

And then there's "Shasta": "You've got half-formed sentences/Explanations for a life half-broken away."

I'm going to have to start explaining it to myself better, I think. I need to see why this came to me, and why now (Equinox, yes, but still).

Dreaming

Sep. 6th, 2010 08:04 am
tamara_russo: (dream)
I dreamed about my grandpa again tonight - he came here, to our house, as my grandma does every day, but he seems to have been living somewhere else. He wanted to borrow a book from me. My grandma reads now, see, and she takes my books for that (she calls me "her librarian").

Also in that dream, somewhere, where Reut (from high school, OMG), club-hopping, riding in a bus with a tourist that had a cute little ginger cat and someone throwing a tantrum and destroying the table inside the bus. Which I fixed (mechanical engineer or not?).

As for yesterday - that was genuinely bizarre (no, really?) - I was driving some sort of silver car in a parking lot that stood on poles, and was consisted of little round concrete islands and glass bridges. Driving on them, I cracked one of the bridges and then the car took to the air. We were quite high up when I noticed the car has changed - it was now a yellow hummer and my entire family was inside - my parents, my brother and my sister and her husband. The man driving was our neighbor (whom I truly, truly hate), so I tilted the car in mid-air, opened the driver seat's door and threw him out. It gave me no little satisfaction, I can tell you that.

and then, as I woke up, Udi (my little brother) said he wanted to watcha movie on my Ipod, but the battery was empty, so I looked into it and tried to show him I downloaded the app to see how much battery was left, and flipping along the Ipod I thought "I didn't download all of these apps, where did they come from?" and then I truly woke up.

*snort*

Jul. 11th, 2010 07:54 pm
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
This post, dating back to 2006, only goes to show I haven't changed much - I still haven't started learning french...

Year meme

Dec. 20th, 2008 08:15 pm
tamara_russo: (Default)
Can you tell I'm bored from school work?...

What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Started posting my art, photographing (artsy photos).

Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more next year?
No new year's resolutions...

Did anyone close to you give birth?
My neigbour.

Did anyone close to you die?
No.

What countries did you visit?
None... *sigh*

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A paycheck that buys nmore than nothing!

What dates from 2007 will remain etched in your memory and why?
14/6/08.


What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finishing my first year in engineering - and I passed every class.

What was your biggest failure this year?
Can't think of one.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope.

What was the best thing you bought?
A few books - Comic Book Tattoo, An Atlas of Drawings.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
A girl I know from perach, who apologized for being a bitch. Takes guts.

Whose behavior made you appalled and/or depressed?
People in jeneral usually make me sick. A lot of people do suck.

What did you spend most of your spare cash on?
Books, tuition.

What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Fear" - Sarah McLachlan

Happier or sadder?
Don't know...

Thinner or fatter?
Same as last year. Huh, well.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Stayed on top of things and been more organized (*that hasen't changed since last year).

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Getting angry at my tutors. It's not *my* fault some were jerks.

How will you be spending Hannukah?
Working and studying. And I've got two dance shows to look forward to!

Did you fall in love in 2008?
Do crushes count? Then no.

How many one-night-stands?
None, as always.

What was your favorite TV series?
"Supernatural", "House MD", "Sarah Connor Chronicles"

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

What was the last book you read?
Glenkill - sheep thriller

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Charlot Martin, Vienna Teng.

What did you want and get?
Books, mostly.

What did you want and not get?
Everything I didn't get...

What was your favorite film this year?
Don't think I've seen one I really liked this year.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money from my crappy job...

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Jeans, T-shirt, as ever..

What kept you sane?
Hoping that this shitty time will pass quickly.

What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I laways fancy Tori the most.

Who do you miss?
No one.

Who was the best new person you met this year?
Limor, my friend from school.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Books can be an indication for one life..
tamara_russo: (Default)
I'll always be at Tower Records in front of the A's shelf, picking up "Little Earthquakes". Some part of me will always be there, right before this revolution in my life.

I'll always be that girl that so many people made fun of. Doesn't matter how I feel now, who I am now, how much stronger or different, I'll always be there, in that class with these words by those people I'll never forgive.

Some part of me will always be the young sister who wanted to be all that her sister is. Even though it's been years since then and now I am my own person - looking at my sister and doing exactly what she did will always be a part of who I am.

I will always be who I was right before the war, I will always be at Nurit's old house, walking up and down the stairs with all these new people I loved right from the start.

And I'll always be at these days, when everything fell apart.

I'll always be that girl, even though these times have long since passed.
tamara_russo: (Default)
The Olympic games are beginning in three days. I love the Olympic games. This is going to be the fifth Olympics I'll be watching. I keep remembering the first time - 1988, I was 5, and the Olympics were held in Seoul in South Korea. The time differences meant that most of the broadcasting were in the middle of the night here, so my dad and I watched it together, in the dark apartment, with everybody else asleep, drinking strawberry soda.

Some of my best childhood memories.

And here I am, 20 years later, still waiting on the edge of my seat for the 100 meters finale, and the gymnastics, and the pool diving, and all of the buzz.

Staying up late doesn't mean a lot today anymore. The sports can be seen on various championships during the four-year-wait between one Olympics to the other, but the nostalgia and the meaning this event has in my life mean I'll be watching whatever I can watch, in the middle of the night, hopefully with my dad.

But no strawberry soda, that stuff's disgusting.
tamara_russo: (Default)
Got a makeup class at 10:00. My mom is giving me a lift to the university.

Also, it's been one year since we were in London after the HPatDH launch... What a great day that was, and the next day (=today) we went to Portobello road and bought cupcakes at the Hummingbird. I was really excited last night, remembering those moments we counted down from 10, and the last hour before we got the books, and the ride to the train station with that riksha, with the foreign driver who looked more at us than at the road...

I miss that trip. I would've like to have been there again...

Hmm.

Change

Jun. 20th, 2008 04:21 pm
tamara_russo: (Default)
This week )
tamara_russo: (Default)
I think of the past now.

A moment in kinder garden I think. All the girls said their favorite color is pink so I did as well. It was a few days later that I said that my true favorite color is green. The beginning of my "no-herd-movement".

I got into the gifted kids class after the second grade. I would spend 10 years with pretty much the same people. They would make my life pretty hellish, but also will help develop some of my most notable qualities and believes, those that I still posses.

The beginning of my romance with art - in the arts center in Holon, something I love and took from so much. It also gave me the possibility to meet other girls, girls I loved and loved me back. Friends, for the very first time. Real friends. One of them made the introduction between myself and Helena, who's one of my best friends today.

Efrat - in the twelve grade I will meet, hate and then love my best friend for the next 10 years. In many aspects my relationship with her was unhealthy, but at the time it was the best.

Tori - at the age of 16 I bought "Little Earthquakes" for "Crucify". Little did I know that I just ran into my favorite artist in the entire world. I won't risk saying that she'll always be my favorite, for it's a moving life, and we never know what tomorrow brings, but I can hope. She saved my life, time and time again, and she still amazes me every time I hear her sing. She's still one the best things in my life.

Harry Potter - not just because of my affections for good books, or even good fantasy books. It was the start of my reading in English for real, something that fascinated me, gave me strength (saved my life as well). It's one of the things that pulled me through my last year at school, my service, university and the ending of the story brought something so much more wonderful into my life.

My first day at my B.A. at TAU gave me not only that which it is, but also Lilach - my first new friend for years and a connection to others. She left TAU after a year and went to study somewhere else, but she's still very much a great friend of mine, with characteristics that only make me smile each time I see her or speak to her. Someone great in my life.

Other friends from the university, my new good feeling with myself, a place I wanted to belong to since I was 10 - a year that was that much better than those that came before.

Well - Hagar. Second year through my B.A., a small blond girl that loved Harry Potter as well, and things that rolled into a complete transformation. She also gave me her friends, so many other great people I love to death now. My life had become so different from then on.

After my third year, and my decision to leave biology I got my first real job at a newspaper, where the first aspects of the real world sipped through. Independence.

Efrat, again, but this time the end. Like bondages that held me tight and now they're gone. So much relief with an ending of something that was bad for a long time.

July in England and Irland with Mel. I can't describe what this trip did to me. The Tori show, being alone and not homesick, being with Mel, Harry Potter last day next to Waterstones, the Hummingbird, th wrong Alton, the thought about engineering. All of that.

All of that. Just, me.

All sorts.

Mar. 20th, 2008 05:11 pm
tamara_russo: (Default)
One big issue in my work just resolved. Phew.

Also, a quote:

Yael (a friend of mine from Perach) and I walking to our workshop, and we see a nice girl passing by.

Yael [looks at her behind] Hmmm.
Me: Hmmm
Yael: I can see you like her socks as well, huh?
Me: I was actually looking at her butt.
Yael: *laughs*
Me: That's the best part of being bi - I can look because I'm a woman and no one can tell what I'm actually looking at.

On a diggerent note. I just found a letter dated back to 2005 in my mail. It brought up a few things from back then (after "Black Friday"), and also crushed me, again, under the weight of the fact that we don't gave a group anymore, and with my birthday coming up, and half of my friends not talking to the other half... I have to say, being between the rick and a hard place is not fun.

But, I made my choices and managed to keep those people I wanted to stay in my life in my life, and as gracefully as possible (I think).

I have to come up with a place that will hold a party of ~40 pips. Hmmm. As Hagar said - "good troubles". :)

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