JUST GO.

Mar. 10th, 2016 10:47 pm
tamara_russo: (dust/dark)
You don't interest them. That just the way it is now. It sucks, and you hate feeling like this, but you don't have to torture yourself. This is not the worst thing that ever happened to you. Far from it. You'll survive this like you survived everything else.

But gone are the days you had to stay in a place where you felt like a fish out of water. You're an adult, and you make your own decisions. Just go.

JUST GO.

Which is EXACTLY what I'm going to do in about ten minutes.
tamara_russo: (x)
A few weeks ago we had a work party (it wasn't at work - it was at a colleague's house), and most of us who are under a certain age came, some brought their partners. I decided, since I wanted to drink, to grab a ride with Y (a guy I had a crush on up until some time ago) and M (who is a good friend of mine). On the way back I figured I'd have him drive me back or I'd grab a cab if it gets too late for me.

I did drink, a few glasses of wine, and I was nice and tipsy, but not in any way not coherent, just... Giggly. If you've ever seen me drink, you know how it looks.

Anyway. I was sitting on the sofa dozing a bit when M came and sat next to me, looked at me and said that N was leaving and if I wanted a ride home. I told her that no, I'll just grab a cab in a while. She asked me again and I replied, again, that I didn't want to go with him.

So she went and asked him herself.

Which drove me crazy.

I made one last attempt to not leave with him, but in the end, after all the joy was drained from the party for me, I went and grabbed my coat and had him drop me off at home.

I can't even begin to describe how unbelievably angry I was. The first and foremost reason was that I SPECIFICALLY told her what I didn't want to do. I wasn't even close to being really drunk, I was very coherent and very clear, and she disregarded me without a thought. It was like my opinion doesn't matter, or like I'm a five-year-old who can't make her own decisions. I also felt like she was brushing me off which felt horrible, and to top it off she sent me off with a driver I had no idea how good of a driver he is (trust me, with my knowledge now I will never choose to have him drive me anywhere).

And she doesn't get it. She doesn't seem to understand you don't grab someone else's autonomy and decision-making from their hands just because you seem to be under the notion you're making a good decision for them. Even if that were true (and it wasn't), you still don't get to make that decision.

I've been giving her the cold shoulder in the past few weeks, as well as to Y (in his case, it's more of a self-preservation thing - I'm detoxing him from my system, and since the mental distance is working as the process, I'm going along with it), and she made no attempt to even ask me or try and talk about it. This is from a person who used to say she loved me almost every fucking day, yes?

I'm sure they talked about it amongst themselves, and I have a feeling Y told her that I'm being impossible and that I need to find a way down from the tree I climbed up on, but, really? We've had a few arguments in the past, and if I made a mistake (even if I didn't believe I had), I apologized to her. Even if you think I'm being impossible, why, if you claim to love me so much, won't you ask me about it?

But this is, I believe the last straw - there were a few things she told me (mostly about how to "Change myself so I would attract more men") which lead me to believe she has no grasp of what a person's autonomy means.

I'm so angry and disappointed with her. So so much. I also fell like an outsider at work at times, which is shitty, since my boss got fired and we can now all celebrate together. I don't know if things will change, I don't believe I'll ever look at her or treat her same as before.

Even with the pain, I also understand now exactly who I'm dealing with, and i know I'll never be able to really trust her.

But. It. Hurts.

[And a side note - this whole story and yesterday's shopping spree with Shiri and Opher made me realize that even though I may be somewhat comfortable in the mainstream with people who are very conservative in thought, I don't belong there - I have a family who loves me and accepts me, who supports me and love me, truly, without hesitation or thought, and I know they will never try to change me against my will, and that is my home. Thank you guys, for being my un-blooded family. I can't express how much I love you - Hagar, Netalie, Shiri, Opher and Gilli]
tamara_russo: (F is for Flight)
So here is my 2 cents on "Inside Out"

Spoilers, obviously )

All great stories are just a mirror, and this one isn't any different. If you haven't seen it, go. Just bring tissues.
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
The thing about a full life, is that things that matter less gets hold up, so I hardly write anymore. All my thoughts and photography go on FB, and not here, but this weekend deserves a mention.

There was also Book week last week on Tuesday. Only got three books for myself, and a few more as presents. Got through one of them already (Paper Towns- John Green).

Thursday )

Friday )

Spent Friday afternoon with Marvel's Daredevil, which turned out to be really fun and good television. I'm almost at the end of the season and will most likely finish it today or tomorrow.

Saturday )

I had a great weekend. I've got a busy week ahead of me. I guess I'll write when I can.

After work

Feb. 20th, 2015 02:01 pm
tamara_russo: (home)
Took off and went to the port. The market was only half open - the weather frightened everyone away, even though by the time i got there the sun was pretty much shining, even if it was quite cold and windy.

I also got a glimpse of the lower parts of the Yehuda mountains with their lovely snow when I came down from the University Hill. The rain had washed away all the smog and filth from the air, and the visibility was unbelievably good. It was gorgeous.

Got some cheeses and bread, strawberries and olives, and some Haman's ears at my favorite bakery, and had Herring sandwich at the car before heading home.

As it turns out, my mom also bought bread, but, as i told her, that's what happens when she doesn't answer my phone calls.

*~*

You know. I don't fell lonely these days. I pretty much reconciled with the realization I'll probably never have a partner, and I'm fine with that, most of the time. I just don't have time to feel bad about it anymore. I wake up so early, spend the bus rides and car rides listening to music, to talk shows, reading, surfing the internet. I spend all day in a very hectic environment surrounded by people and come home to my parents. I actually feel like I need some alone time during the week, and I take a few hours to do so - shopping, sitting in a cafe, going to see some silly movie.

But then, I was sitting at my car having that sandwich, and I was watching the couples going by, and they were all couples. There weren't many people alone, and most were obviously partners, and it just hit me, like it does sometimes, my aloneness.

Nothing to it, and it'll pass, but, sometimes, for short periods of time, this feeling fills me to the brim and I can't help feel the impact and how it crushes me.

*~*
tamara_russo: (dust/dark)
So yesterday morning I was still semi-fine, even though the cough has taken a turn for the worse, and I decided I didn't need the stink-eye from my boss, so I braved the weather, which was truly horrible, and went to work.

After being somewhat productive for a few hours, I finally realized that the headache, coughing and breathing difficulty were not going away, so I called it quits, and packed up to go home. The walk to the bus station was... interesting, since by then it was cold, windy and SUPER FUCKING DUSTY, but I made it and also made it home pretty fine. I did, however, crashed right on the sofa the moment I made it home, and didn't get up until my mom came back. By then I was positive I was running a fever, because I was shaking like hell and my fingernails were blue.

My mom made me something to eat and some tea and I drifted in and out of sleep for the entire afternoon on the sofa, with a different array of cats on different parts of me (Truffle really wanted to sit on my chest and she also cuddled next to me, and Dolce and Ginger both took turns on my legs and sometimes the sides of my feet). My fever went up and then down, so I was cold and hot on intervals. Super fun times, I can tell you that. I did watch some TV with my parents, and went to sleep. Fortunately, the cough is a bit subdued, so I was able to fall asleep quite quickly.

I woke up without a fever today but the headache is still here (no doubt due to the coughing, stuffy nose and weather), and food tasted bad, so I don't know. But I can sit upright, which must be an improvement.

*~*

Other things:

I haven't really written in a while, even though I've had plenty to write about. It was, what, two weeks ago H. and I went to the Idan Haviv concert? Which was great, but it marked the beginning of one of my busiest weekends EVER.

It was a beautiful Friday, that one after the concert (maybe I'll actually be able to post pictures from the concert today), but it was full to the brim - work, drive up to KY with H., photography session with her and the pup, and game night at Opher and Shiri's.

Saturday was packing H's apartment, and that was long, hard and tiring, and also included a drive up to her parents' at KY, unpacking and keeping the pup busy while her mom got everything out of the way and into the wardrobe. I only made it home on 22:00 that day, and the fatigue and exhaustion dragged with me for the better part of last week. I only shook it off in the weekend, when I was able to actually sleep.

I had a deal with myself to not leave the house last weekend, but obviously it didn't work. Met Netalie for brunch Friday morning, and we proceeded to walk around TA, and I drove to Visit H. that afternoon. I also managed to squeeze in a visit to my grandma and was planning on going to see a movie but the one I wanted to watch had no more tickets, so I passed. Saturday was mostly quiet, but we did go out to lunch at Brasserie.

This week was fine until yesterday. The cough was getting better and I went to do some serious shopping Tuesday. Sale season, so I got two pairs of shoes, three bras, four long-sleeved shirts and tons of cosmetics. The shirts and shoes were half off, but since my shoes are extremely expensive, I still payed an arm and a leg for them. The bras are always expensive, unfortunately.

I was lucky with the cosmetics, though. I ran into a salesperson (a guy!) who actually knew what he was doing. I knew I needed refills for at least three items, and I also got a night cream. He gave me tons of tips on usage, and when I got home and tried some, and thanked him silently. He also gave me loads of tiny stuff for travel, which is always fun.

I think I'll go see if there's anything fun to watch on TV, and if not try and be productive with easy things, like the photographs or even catching up on my own shows ("Banshee" really bummed me out last week, and I'm super behind on everything, from "Person of Interest" to "The Americans")
tamara_russo: (No Fate)
I'm home. It was a good day at work. It started good with the car and the radio show I love.

I went to see "You're my night" ["At Li Layla"]. I didn't like it but the cinema did me well. I had popcorn and fruit shake, like every time. I went alone, and sat alone. The quiet and darkness hugged me, like they do, and I felt safe and calm.

I drove home. There was little traffic. There was great music. I sang at the top of my voice, the way I do when no one can hear me. Most people like to hear me sing, but when I'm alone... I sing almost at a shout. It's cleansing. I've always done it. It took me years for it to come out well enough to call it singing. It makes me feel like I have real wings. Like those of a seagull. Those of a dragonfly.

The house is empty. My mom left a lot of light on. I can never understand that. she leaves it on for the animals. They don't need it.

Facebook has a date for something I'm looking forward to. It's great. I'm still flying. Still, from this day I actually spent in a way that was good for me.

The date book is in my bag, but a piece of paper is stuck there. I know what it is when it falls, when I open the date book. I go over it, find the one square that I'm looking for.

I only brake for a few minutes, but the tears do flow. They come out like I'm ripping them out one by one. It's so dry. so little sobs. I've had bigger crying feats.

But it seems like everything, these past few weeks, months, I don't know, needed this day to finally come out.

The fatigue, the stress, the pain, both mine and borrowed, both for me and for others, found its way out in a few simple dry sobs and a few, numbered, tears.

Even though I could let go. The house is empty. There's no one around to see this. I don't cry in front of other people. But that's just what there is. And I don't know if that's it, or if, somewhere along the line, much later than now, I'll look back and wish I'd've forced myself to cry longer.

Autumn

Aug. 29th, 2014 09:07 am
tamara_russo: (Sleeps with butterflies)
You can't mistake it. Autumn is here.

We might still get hot days (well, there's not question about it), but the change has already began, and the end of the year is rolling in.

Yesterday, for the first time in months, I walked into my room and opened the window, instead of turning the AC on. The sun was already gone, and the very new moon was narrow and bright right in front of me.

And I felt it. How the end comes, how the fresh beautiful beginning also approaches.

I can't explain it, only describe it.

And this morning it's still there, the open window, the tiny breeze, fall breeze, and my immense will to bake something that will make the house smell sweet and warm and fresh and tasty.

I had a difficult week, but yesterday was a complete opposite. I guess I was feeling this change coming, and I knew it was signaling something good that's about to come.

*~*

I stood in front of the mirror this morning, and a huge smile just sprouted on my face. It's this feeling, lingering, and also.

Also, so much happiness for my friends.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel when I think of all these awesome people I love, and how my life is better now than it was ten years ago (not to mention 15 years ago).

[No guys, I didn't mix my meds this morning. I'm just happy, and I want to celebrate this wonderful feeling, and share it with you.]

*~*

I think I know what I'm going to do next week.
tamara_russo: (dust/dark)
Just this morning my boss gathers us around in his room to announce that another one of our branch was drafted (that makes two). And he proceeded into going around all of us to ask how we were commuting.

I don't care riding the bus I say. I've been riding the bus for 13 year.

I get on the bus on my way home and listen to music. I keep forgetting.

We enter Holon and the bus stops at the station. Only everyone are goig down.

Siren.

I didn't hear it. I was with my headphones.

So people run into a building nearby and I don't, and Iron Dome will take it anyway, so I stand next to a wall with the other poeple who didn't go into that building, and look up.

And there it was. The intercept missile, right over my head, three, two, one, blast... and then the sound hit us.

And the sound... The sound was the only thing that scared me.

ירושה

May. 5th, 2014 04:16 pm
tamara_russo: (Default)

ירושה
לכולנו יש את מתינו.
אני את שלי בירושה קיבלתי.
כתכשיט בוהק,
כאבן יקרה,
הוא נח בידיי.

ואני מביטה בו, כרואה
מרחוק,
במיקרוסקופ –
כל רגע משנה את דרכו,
את צבעו,
את ריחו,
את טיבו,
מול עיניי.

לכולנו יש את מתינו.
אני את שלי חולקת.
בדיבור,
בשירה,
בזכרונות.

הזכרון אינו שלי.
הפנים אינן נראות לי.
רק ממרחק השנים
בכל פעם אדם אחר,
מחזיר לי מבט,
לאחר שדהו התמונות.

חורים-חורים-חיי-חיים.
פעם ילד ופעם נער.
פעם בוכה ופעם עולז.
ותמיד חומק ממני
כמו אז,
כשחמק מהם.

לכולנו יש את מתינו.
ולי אין.

רק לפעמים,
בלילות,
מורשה לי לגעת,
ואז המגע צורב,

ואז אני יודעת,
מה זה אומר
לחיות עם הכאב.
tamara_russo: (Accio Brain)
Thank you, O Great and Holy World-Wide-Web, for FanFiction.

In other words, I'm tossing "Allegiant"'s ending out the window and finding one I can actually live with.

I'm most definitly NOT the only person who hated that ending.

[because the real reason I needed this story this past week was for Catharsis which never came, and, God, I need it so very much.]
tamara_russo: (x)
The past few weeks have been troubled. My work status is bothering me to no end, the pressure, my decision to try and find something else, the realization I don't know what that "something else" actually means, and than my dad's birthday party on Tuesday, to which I need to make a nice presentation.

And then "Divergent" hit.

And again, in a time of troubled thought and change, like five years ago (oh god), I submege myself in a story which slithers through me, and I thought "Well, stories come when you need them, and the change that comes with them helps", but what if it's just a defense mechanism? Just something to run to, because I don't want to deal, or.

Or something to let my mind the time it needs to, do, what? Heal? Decide?

(I won't use the "What am I supposed to do" icon. Not yet, which says I'm still better than the worst).
tamara_russo: (Default)
When you have a full time job, a large number of people you actually like to spend time with, books, TV, internet, Facebook and photography to keep you occupied, some of the smaller things have to go.

To me, that's this DW. I never really posted a whole lot, but the last nine months have me posting maybe one or two posts, mainly for photos.

Now, what does that mean? Well, it means I have very little social life here on DW. I used to read a few blogs, but I read fewer and fewer, and my social energy is going else where.

I'm not getting rid of this place, if that's what you think (and I'm probably talking to about two and a half people - H, S, O).

The only reason I'm writing now is because my parents are away and I went through all of my Facebook feed.

What was the point I wanted to make? (did you have one?)

Oh, screw this. I'm just still alive, but IRL. and on Facebook. And I'm reading again, which is ten times more important to me than this DW.
tamara_russo: (Talking about love)
It was maybe a month ago - I was driving home from my grandma - I haven't been there in a while now - and then.

Laila Lo Shaket [Unquiet Night - Shlomo Artzi] came on, and somehow it hit me harder, and when it ended Ein Po Makom [No place - Idan Chaviv] came on and I had to slow down because I couldn't see well through the tears.

And yesterday we went to see Idan Chaviv at the Zapa.

... and as it turns out, I took 600 photos. I need to sift through and see if any come up o scratch (we sat a bit far from the stage, and I still haven't procured a tele lens for the Fuji.
tamara_russo: (home)
ביום ראשון האחרון, ה - 6 באוקטובר, מלאו 40 שנה לנפילת יהודה רז קטן, החבר הכי טוב של אבא שלי, במלחמת יום כיפור (יחד עם עוד הרבה אחרים). לקראת באזכרה שהתקיימה לזכרו כתב אבא שלי הספד, שממחיש עד כמה האובדן גדול בשבילו, גם היום.

אכסיומת הבחירה

היה לי חבר, החבר מרחוב הס,

בהא הידיעה, אאמר מבלי להסס,

מכיתה א' עד הסוף המר בצבא –

החבר שלי יהודה, אותו נפשי אהבה !!

ילד מבריק הוא היה, מוכשר כמו שד,

שלרעיונותיו הפורים הייתי אז עד –

טלסקופ עם עדשה שהכין מפח וטיפת מים,

בו השקפנו יחדיו בגרמי השמים ;

עד אני שבן עשר בנה רדיו גביש

ובמיקרוסקופ הוא חקר קורי עכביש ;

עול ימים, חומרים הוא ערבב ורקח –

צבעים ברא יש מאין, אותי הדהים אז כל כך ;

ובסביבות אותו גיל, הוא לימדני תרגיל

איך ללכת על כביש במורד רחוב הס –

"אל תדאג, סמוך עלי, אנחנו לא נידרס,

אם רק נלחשש כמה מילות של כישוף" ;

ואכן, הוא צדק ועוד פעם ושוב :

לא אונה לנו רע, ממש סוג של נס ;

עם אברא קדברא במורד רחוב הס...

....

עברו השנים, חלפו ימי השכונה

והמוקד עבר ממרכז העיר לצפונה :

אנו בתיכון – עירוני ה' (והים),

הנעורים הם כעת ממש בשיאם –

מעבדות, שיעורים, בחנים, בגרויות,

ובין לבין, בחדווה, ממשיכים גם לחיות :

מסיבות של י"ב 4, סרטי מרקס במרתף,

שיט ובאולינג (אח, כמה זה כיף !)

סטייקים ב"אדריה", מעדני "סנדביץ' סיטי" –

כל חוויה קולינרית עם יהודה ניסיתי ;

הסטונס ולד זפלין הכתיבו קצב וצליל,

הגיטרה של הנדריקס, ג'טרו טול עם חליל ;

עם שערות ארוכות, בלי (כמעט) דאגות

(חוץ ממשוואות, פרדוקסים ומשחקי מחשבה)

פתאום הגיע זמננו להתגייס לצבא !!

....

אני הראשון הוא זה שבחר בשריון

(בלי טיפוס ג'בלאות, במחיר של גריז וקצת פיח),

דרכי אל הטנקים מתחילה בטירונות ברפיח ;

ואחרי כמה ימים שם, אני קולט (איזה נס)

את חברי היקר, החבר מרחוב הס,

לא יאומן כי סופר, צועד שם בסך -

גם הפציפיסט המושבע לאותה רפיח נשלח

(ביטלו לו את העתודה ברגע האחרון

ובלית ברירה, הוא ביקש, כמוני, שריון) ;

הוצבנו אז, שנינו, למסלול שוט-צנטוריון -

קרובים, אך מעולם לא יחד ממש,

"כמו אסימפטוטות" צחקנו "ללא נקודה של מפגש"...

....

עברה יותר משנה, כבר אוקטובר הגיע,

פלוגה ז' של יהודה עושה קו בחושנייה

והנה, הוכרזה ברמת הגולן כוננות

(שגרתית, לכאורה, בלי זרעי פורענות)

ופלוגה ג' "שלי", איזה מזל, מתגברת

דווקא את פלוגה ז' ; אותה, לא אחרת !!

וכך, מדי ערב, בצל טנקי שוט,

ליהודה ולי היה זמן לפגישות

וגם בערב כיפור, כשהשתרר הס מסביב,

שוטטנו יחדיו, כאילו ברחובות תל אביב,

ובין ענב לענב, שאל פינו הוגנב,

גילה לי אז יהודה : "אני דוד עכשיו –

נילי ילדה בן, שלחו לי על כך מסר"

בסלנג של היום – מצב רוחו היה 10 !!

אף אחד מאיתנו לא שיער, לא ידע

שהיה זה, בעצם, אז ליל הפרידה...

....

למחרת בצהריים נפתחה לה התופת –

פלוגות ז' ו-ג' יצאו להדוף את

הכוחות הסורים שכבר השיקו לגבול ;

ממרומי העמדות כל פגיעה הייתה בול,

אך, התחמושת אזלה מול טורי הצרים,

והמרחקים החלו, חיש מהר, מתקצרים

ואז, בום לפתע, אלוהי הרולטה

זימן לצוות של יהודה טיל או רקטה ;

אילו רק יכולתי להבחין שם ברשף,

אילו רק יכולתי למלמל את הכשף,

אילו...

כחום היום של כיפור, זה הקרוי יום הדין,

בצריח בוער מת אחי העדין,

רודף השלום, העניו, אוהב אדם וחיה,

מראשוני הנופלים במלחמה הוא היה ;

חתימה רעה ומהירה ועוד לאיש הכי טוב ?!

מקומם אותי שמישהו יכול כך לחשוב !!!

....

נוח, חבר, וזכור שבי אתה חי –

בחלום, בהקיץ, אצל אשתי וילדיי ;

עד יום מותי אמשיך להנחיל ת'סיפור

עליך, יהודה שלי, ועל אותו יום כיפור ;

ואם, בטעות, ניפגש, אם יבוא המשיח,

אולי אתה, ברוב כשרונך, אז תצליח

להסביר לי את פרדוקס הצדק של מעלה

ומה מלא רחמים שם, וכן הלאה והלאה...

Seeping.

Apr. 5th, 2013 09:29 pm
tamara_russo: (x)
[Two days early]

See, you can't see it. Some of us can't really define it - how it affects us. It can be the smallest things - some distant ritual that was passed on by our father or mother. We do it, without thinking about it, without realizing the origin of it.

No, you can't throw out that bread. No, we can't have a dog. No, we can't take the train. These are some of these things. The most obvious of them, but there are others. Thousand others. I suspect that studies will be conducted on the matter in a thousand years still, to see how one huge event changed the psych of an entire community, entire country.

We all know someone who has roots in there. Most of us of certain descent know the family stories. Can pinpoint the people who were left there and those who were lucky. Huh. Lucky. Right. You should see some of them. I wouldn't call that lucky. To be left alone, of your family, at the age of 17, with nothing in the world, with no home, no parents, no friends - nowhere to go. Go from "Child" to "Adult" in a nanosecond, when you hear that sound. When you see the stains in the snow, the drag marks.

Third Generation. I am one. I'm proud to be one. My grandfather was that 17 year old. He ran. He wasn't in any of the camps. Lucky, right? Lucky, to swim across frozen rivers, when you could be shot by either one of the soldiers on either side, if they but feel like it. Lucky, to be forced to work beyond any human capability, for a scrawny 17 year old. Lucky, to know that your life will never be the same, that everything and everyone you loved are gone and will never come back, but you made it out alive. Alone.

And lucky, because after years of searching, you found one. One of them, distantly related, who also survived.

And still believe you could have done something. That you could have saved them.

And that seeps through me. Through us. Second Generation. Third Generation. The Forth is growing up now, parts of it becoming more ugly than we care to grasp. How did that change me? What did that do to all of us? See, when I look at my arm I can sometimes see a number. 70 years difference, and it might have been me. Us.

This thing, this memory - running through my veins - it's like a poison and elixir at once. I chose to believe that if a 17 year old boy could survive that hell, could become the person I knew and loved (love, LOVE) so much, if he could have shed his fear - so can we.

People say it screwed us over. That some things cannot be fixed. So fucking what? Sometimes, some things can be better off after they break. It just needs the work - and the understanding that it did break.

For my grandfather, Shmuel Werter, who was never afraid, and fixed what was broken as well as he could 1922-2009

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