Today's Efrat's birthday.
I have no idea if she still reads what I write, since it's been almost six months since I told her I don't want to go on with our friendship. I was going to send her an SMS when I realized I haven't written her cell number in my new phone, and I can't seem to remember it now.
On my own birthday party, some three months ago, I talked to Ruthi (morin
) about her a little bit, confessing I missed her. When I think about her now I think it doesn't feel that way anymore. I don't miss her much now, only to the good aspects of what used to be our friendship - the outings, the fun, the way we knew each other from a long time ago.
When I came back from my trip, not two weeks ago, I could feel something has changed. I know I'm a different person today than the one I was before the 2nd of July, or perhaps... Perhaps I have already changed, and it took the change of scenery to acknowledge it, to understand it and identify it.
Anyway, I'm drifting here. My point is - time has passed, and I think about what I would have done if things had stayed the way they were for the last ten years - buying a present, calling to say "happy birthday", getting ready for her party (probably making some kind of dessert), bracing myself to the awfulness of her friends' companion. All these things needn't be done now, and it's better than it's worse.
I never regretted my decision, but I had a few hard moments, moments I thought to myself "This is stupid, she's been your best friend for 11 years, how is it you can't bridge this gap? Why don't you want to fix it?" but that's it, isn't it? I don't
want to fix it, and the reason is unimportant, beside the point. The fact is, I don't have to reason my actions to anybody, and it felt right when I did it six months ago, and it still feels right. In the end, I would have only resented myself if I hadn't done it.
Now, After, I hope I don't have any more of these moments, because they're hard, they remind me the things I've lost, but even if I do have them it won't matter... I know I chose the right path.