tamara_russo: (x)
[personal profile] tamara_russo
A few weeks ago we had a work party (it wasn't at work - it was at a colleague's house), and most of us who are under a certain age came, some brought their partners. I decided, since I wanted to drink, to grab a ride with Y (a guy I had a crush on up until some time ago) and M (who is a good friend of mine). On the way back I figured I'd have him drive me back or I'd grab a cab if it gets too late for me.

I did drink, a few glasses of wine, and I was nice and tipsy, but not in any way not coherent, just... Giggly. If you've ever seen me drink, you know how it looks.

Anyway. I was sitting on the sofa dozing a bit when M came and sat next to me, looked at me and said that N was leaving and if I wanted a ride home. I told her that no, I'll just grab a cab in a while. She asked me again and I replied, again, that I didn't want to go with him.

So she went and asked him herself.

Which drove me crazy.

I made one last attempt to not leave with him, but in the end, after all the joy was drained from the party for me, I went and grabbed my coat and had him drop me off at home.

I can't even begin to describe how unbelievably angry I was. The first and foremost reason was that I SPECIFICALLY told her what I didn't want to do. I wasn't even close to being really drunk, I was very coherent and very clear, and she disregarded me without a thought. It was like my opinion doesn't matter, or like I'm a five-year-old who can't make her own decisions. I also felt like she was brushing me off which felt horrible, and to top it off she sent me off with a driver I had no idea how good of a driver he is (trust me, with my knowledge now I will never choose to have him drive me anywhere).

And she doesn't get it. She doesn't seem to understand you don't grab someone else's autonomy and decision-making from their hands just because you seem to be under the notion you're making a good decision for them. Even if that were true (and it wasn't), you still don't get to make that decision.

I've been giving her the cold shoulder in the past few weeks, as well as to Y (in his case, it's more of a self-preservation thing - I'm detoxing him from my system, and since the mental distance is working as the process, I'm going along with it), and she made no attempt to even ask me or try and talk about it. This is from a person who used to say she loved me almost every fucking day, yes?

I'm sure they talked about it amongst themselves, and I have a feeling Y told her that I'm being impossible and that I need to find a way down from the tree I climbed up on, but, really? We've had a few arguments in the past, and if I made a mistake (even if I didn't believe I had), I apologized to her. Even if you think I'm being impossible, why, if you claim to love me so much, won't you ask me about it?

But this is, I believe the last straw - there were a few things she told me (mostly about how to "Change myself so I would attract more men") which lead me to believe she has no grasp of what a person's autonomy means.

I'm so angry and disappointed with her. So so much. I also fell like an outsider at work at times, which is shitty, since my boss got fired and we can now all celebrate together. I don't know if things will change, I don't believe I'll ever look at her or treat her same as before.

Even with the pain, I also understand now exactly who I'm dealing with, and i know I'll never be able to really trust her.

But. It. Hurts.

[And a side note - this whole story and yesterday's shopping spree with Shiri and Opher made me realize that even though I may be somewhat comfortable in the mainstream with people who are very conservative in thought, I don't belong there - I have a family who loves me and accepts me, who supports me and love me, truly, without hesitation or thought, and I know they will never try to change me against my will, and that is my home. Thank you guys, for being my un-blooded family. I can't express how much I love you - Hagar, Netalie, Shiri, Opher and Gilli]
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